They Came, They Clawed, They Fricked It Up!

Would You Look At These Pretentious Bananaheads Crowing Around All Proud Of Themselves For Messing Up Perfection?

If you want to read the horror story that they pass off as a recipe (and claimed they conquered no less) Click Here-


Will They Ever Learn The Rules Of Lobster Roll Making Is To Not Get In The Way Of The Most Delectable Meat Known To Mankind- Lobster Meat?

Why I ask you do, they feel the need to mask the flavor of the most succulent meat on earth with not one, not two, not three, but no less than unlucky 13 lobster roll ingredient violations???

Why not squat down over the mixing bowl and lay down a nice fat shit in there to compliment the flavors while you’re at it?

Read the ingredient list these dopes from The Tasting Table put together (Violations Highlighted in Red)-

We Came, We Clawed, We Conquered Messed It Up

Building the perfect lobster roll (Or Not)


  • Salt
  • 1 lemon
  • 5 whole star anise pods
  • 2 heads garlic, halved
  • 4 dried árbol chiles
  • 1 (6-inch) piece fresh ginger, peeled and cut into ¼-inch coins
  • 3 stalks lemongrass, trimmed, tough outer layer removed and stalk bruised and tied into a knot
  • 2 (1½ pound) live lobsters
  • ¼ cup mayonnaise
  • 1 tablespoon finely minced parsley
  • 1 tablespoon finely chopped chives plus 1 tablespoon chives, cut into ½-inch pieces
  • 2 teaspoons reserved lobster cooking liquid
  • 1 teaspoon lemon juice
  • ½ teaspoon lemon zest
  • ¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
  • ¼ teaspoon celery salt
  • 3 tablespoons butter
  • 1 teaspoon Old Bay seasoning
  • 4 split-top hot dog rolls

Anise?????  Like as in Licorice anise?  In a lobster roll?   I wish Patrick Ewing was still in his prime so we could set him up right in front of where ever these dopes tried to serve these lobster roll abominations and he could swat them into the stands like a basketball and then stand over the servers and flex and growl like he just made the most impressive shot block in the history of the NBA.  Just like “Get That Shit Outta Here!” 


Arbol Chile?   Really????  What are we at Taco Bell now?  Lemongrass?  Ginger?  Please.  This is absolutely criminal.  

I guess I should have stopped reading when I read these pretentious buffoons were writing in from New York where they root for the Yankees and all.  I mean WTF do they know about lobster rolls anyway, right? 

Maybe it’s a March thing where they want to get out in front of all the other pretentious food bloggers who will inevitably write their own versions of the Perfect Way to Fuck Up a  Good Lobster Roll.

When I saw the laundry list of lobster roll purist violations I just couldn’t leave this debacle go unchecked.   There are plenty of pretentious food bloggers who will throw in 2-5 violations but when you go over the top with 13 you have to know that someone with some common sense is gonna call you out on it.

Listen here anyone who would describe themselves as  a “Foodie”.  Do all us normal real folk a favor and spare us your stupid frickin lobster roll recipes that include anything other than a split top roll.  Spare us your French baguettes, spare us your frickin lemon zest bullshit, spare us your ginger and your anise and your arbol chlis.  

Hellooooo, we wanna taste the lobster.  How hard is that to comprehend?  If we wanted to eat Mexican we’d order a goddamned Burrito.    

This is a lobster roll.   The purist of the pure.  Time tested.  Tradition.  Like a Fenway Frank, only a bajillion times better.

It’s easy, there’s no need to go out of your way to try to fuck it up with your laundry list of  Lobster roll no-nos like anise and garlic and lemongrass.

Here’s the way to do it and not to do it-


How to F^@K Up a Lobster Roll


Ingredients For The Worlds Greatest Lobster Roll

Read the ingredient list these dopes from The Tasting Table put together (Violations Highlighted in Red)-


  • Like a right of Spring I feel compelled to get us all off on the right path to Lobster Roll righteousness.  I’m not sure if we should have expected more considering the source- Foodie Bloggers From New York.  Maybe we don’t have to expect more but we certainly can’t let this shit go unchecked.

    Read past year’s lobster roll rants-

    Rating and Ranting- The Lobster Rolls From Tasting Table’s Lobster Roll Rumble

    A Preemptive Lobster Roll Refresher Course Before Anyone Gets All Crazy

    Bastardized Lobster Roll on Tap Today At Gloucester Gourmet

    What Is Wrong With People???? Another Lobster Roll Disaster From Some Broads In California

  • 16 thoughts on “They Came, They Clawed, They Fricked It Up!

    1. I have to say I laughed my ever loving ass of on this one. I found it hilarious, and amazed at how pissed off you get and how funny you sound on your rant and how passionate you are about your lobster rolls. I love it, I really love it. Thanks for the entertainment, thanks for the good laugh. Love you Joey, just love you! PEACE!


    2. If you put all that stuff together why use lobster? That “seafood” stuff used in seafood salad would taste just the same ’cause that’s all you can taste anyway.
      Hope they read your comments Joey and their ears burn off!


    3. Is lobster really that good that you would shit on something you don’t think is “authentic”
      I shouldn’t comment I’ve been a live for 55 years and never had a piece of that ugly bug pass between my lips.


    4. I really love your writing when you get going. Your tombstone, may it be far in the future, should have a big fat lobster carved on it, and at your wake, nothing but a good chowder and lots of lobster rolls.


    5. Don’t let them live rent free in the spirit – Let’s see what wings has to say?
      Paul McCartney and Wings – Let me roll it


    6. That took place in NYC…for heaven sakes, they put tomato into clam chowder! What more can you expect from them…………


      1. Oh my!!! What an abomination to the perfect Lobsta!!! My husband and I both grew up with Lobster in our veins, him from Manchester, and me from the Beverly Farms, and, to read this “recipe” from the New Yawkers, before we had our breakfast, well….. our stomachs churned needless to say..


    7. Yup ~ if you call it a lobster roll ~ then the lobster is the main show! I go either way ~ split top roll with a little mayo OR a drizzle of melted butter ~ that’s it! Recently at a good Annapolis seafood Resturant ~ the offer of the day was lobster roll. I was so tempted. Being an excited Gloucester girl I inquired ~ the waiter said ~ if you were in Gloucester would you order the Maryland crab cake? I opted for the Maryland crab cake. I do not even like to think about what Maryland Old Bay season would do to a lobster. Enjoyed the post ~ so looking forward to Gloucester ~


    8. Joey,
      Could you chime in on the mayo thing? You say it has to be Cains on the lobster roll.
      In my experience, you either grew up in a Cains household, or a Hellmann’s household. There’s no crossover here. So, lobster rolls at home were always made, and are to this day, made with Hellmann’s. Is this a violation?
      What is it about Cains that you like? Or did you grow up in a Cain’s household? If so, it has nothing to do with geography, because I could throw a rock from my house and hit you growing up (I probably did).


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