A friend of mine found this somewhere….and I stole it from him. While I can’t take credit, it made me chuckle. Allow me to say, however, that despite all of this white crap, I do truly still love living in Massachusetts. It seems terribly fitting for our current state of affairs….or snoffairs…as it would seem.
Dear Diary…
August 15 – Moved to our new home in Boston, Massachusetts. It’s so beautiful here. The lake to the north looks so majestic. I can hardly wait to see it snow covered. I’m going to love it here!
October 14 – Massachusetts is definitely the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have all turned colors. There are beautiful shades of red, orange, and yellow. Went for a ride through the park and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly, they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise, I LOVE IT HERE!!
November 10 – Deer season will start soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous animal. Hope it will snow soon. I love it here. Those red, orange, and yellow leaves have covered my yard. Looks like a magnificent multi-colored carpet. HOW BEAUTIFUL. Raking and cleaning up the yard will be an opportunity for invigorating exercise in the cool crisp air.
November 15 – Ah, more leaves and more exercise.
November 18 – Jesus, still more leaves. Guess it’s best to wait until they’ve all fallen before I rake again.
November 25 – Finally, all of the trees lost their leaves and with today’s final raking it’s over for this season. Chiropractor suggested I use a lawn maintenance service next year. Only four blisters became infected. Should probably remember to use gloves.
November 30 – What the f…? Where did all of those leaves come from? Had a little wind last night and the lawn is covered again. Oh well, they’ll just have to wait until spring.
December 12 – It snowed last night, FINALLY. Woke up to find everything blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. Had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snowplow came by and we had to shovel the end of the driveway again.
What a beautiful place. Massachusetts!
December 14 – More snow last night, I love it. The snow plow did his trick to the driveway again. Love it here.
December 19 – More snow again last night. Can’t get out of the driveway. Can’t to get to work. I’m exhausted from shoveling. F…ing snowplow.
December 22 – More of that white shit fell again last night. As if dealing with the leaves weren’t bad enough, now I’ve got blisters all over my hands from shoveling. Must remember to wear gloves. I think the snowplow hides around the corner and waits until I’m finished shoveling the driveway. Idiot.
December 25 – Merry F…ing Christmas. More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on that son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the f…ing ice.
December 27 – More white shit last night. Have been inside for three days except for shoveling out the driveway after that plow goes through every time. F…ing gloves got wet and then froze on my hands.
Doctor said it was just a mild case of frost bite, disfiguration is probably only temporary. Can’t go anywhere, car is stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is? A LOT.
December 28 – The f…ing weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of that white shit last night. At this rate it won’t melt ’till summer.
The plow got stuck up the road and the bastard came to the door and asked to borrow a shovel. I told him I’d already broken six of them shoveling all the shit he pushed into the driveway and then I broke my last one on his f…ing head.
January 4 – Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back I hit a damned deer that ran in front of my car. Did about $3000 damage. F…ing beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.
May 3 – Took the car to the garage in town. Go figure, it’s rusting out from all the f…ing salt they finally put all over the roads.
May 10 – Dumped the car. Sold the townhouse. Moved to Florida. I can’t imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever live in that forsaken state of Massachusetts!
Good Morning Gloucester 