Category: Eats

So mid morning I get a call from Ed (do I even have to say his last name any more) Collard

He asks about lunch and I tell him to swing by and we will discus our plan of attack. We settle on cheeseburger plates from a local joint and I call in the order.

Me on the phone-

I would like two bacon cheeseburgers with thousand island dressing and two orders of fries.  Oh and could you please be sure to leave the container open because I don’t want the fries to get all soggy on the drive back to the dock?

The woman assures me that they would put the fries in a separate container.

Ed heads out to pick up lunch.

One thing you can count on down the dock is that the very minute take-out arrives there will be two or three boats that hit the dock to be offloaded at that very moment.  It doesn’t matter if you haven’t had a boat pull up to offload for two hours- the precise moment when the delivery guy shows up and you hand him your money you can place all your money on the fact that there will be a boat to offload within your first bite of anything you order. That’s just the way it is and I’ve come to expect that.

So sure enough Ed returns with lunch in two large paper bags containing our burgers and fries and heads up to the office to eat and at the very same time two small boats hit the dock.  It takes only about 10 minutes to offload them and put the lobsters away and I bound up the stairs to the office where my burger and fries await.

Mr Wonderful Ed Collard hearing me on the phone asking the waitress to please leave the container open so my fries wouldn’t get soggy decides to pull a prank on me.

The rotten prick duct tapes the edges of the styrofoam container.

Now you might think that because they punched a few holes in the top of the container that that is enough to let the steam escape and to salvage the fries but let me assure you that that just isn’t the case.

ATTENTION RESTAURANT OWNERS

Fries to go should be in either cups or those white clam boxes in a separate bag.  I don’t care if you punched holes in the top to let the steam out, when you stack another box on top of it the steam still doesn’t have any where to go except into the moisture receptacles formerly known as french fries.

Limper than an eighty year old dude’s dick.

You might as well have poured some gravy over the goddamn things because they were like eating mashed potatoes.

I owe you one Ed.