Author: Joey Ciaramitaro

My buddy Heather Atwood forwarded me this shamockery of a lobster roll recipe.

I honestly don’t know where to begin in a critique.  I could probably do a whole ‘nother blog in addition to GMG with all these recipe’s from people who don’t know how to let perfection alone.

First the a small preview of the mess that  DENISE WOODWARD & LAUDALINO FERREIRA from EAT Boutique display as their lobster roll- (for the full sized picture I suggest you go to their other than the horrible lobster roll post, excellent food blog)-EAT BOUTIQUE!

Now just from the tiny sample of a picture above at EAT BOUTIQUE! you can imagine how any self respecting lobster roll lover would cringe when you see a lobster roll that has more green visible than lobster parts.

Any of you that have been with the blog from the beginning know how I feel about anything green touching a lobster roll.

A quote from my original post from July 3, 2008 as a refresher-

What I found was shocking and disturbing. It seems these mooks up in Maine have found a way to fuck up ruin a perfectly good lobster roll. Listen to me, under no circumstances should the words lettuce, paprika, French baguette, or celery enter the equation when speaking about lobster roll preparation.

So back to the mess in California and the EAT BOUTIQUE! version of a lobster roll.

This quote near the end of her blog post really gives you an idea of how unqualified they are to be writing about lobster rolls-

I like to use a live lobster, but have used frozen lobster tails, when I am in a pinch; both types are as equally delicious.

Really now????   You’re gonna go and say that frozen lobster tails are in any way shape or form equally as delicious as fresh shucked meat?  Oh No You Diin’t

If stating that frozen lobster tails are just as delicious as fresh shucked lobster meat for your lobster rolls wasn’t enough wait ‘til you see what they use for ingredients-

There isn’t just one strike on their ingredient list, there are five, count ‘em five!

Among the list of ingredients on the Mrs Joey C lobster roll banned ingredients list which the author uses-

• 1 – 1-1/2 pound live lobster (a frozen tail works as well)
• 1 lemon, cut into quarters
• 1 tablespoon salt
• 1 jalapeno, seeds removed, minced
• 1 celery stalk, minced
• 3 green onions, minced
• 1/8 cup mayo
• 1/4 fresh lemon, juiced
• Salt for sprinkling
• 4 hot dog buns
• Butter

If you didn’t already know, the highlighted ingredients in her list are all no-nos.

I understand that some strange folk like celery (for the crunch), but jalefuckingpenos?  Jalepenos????  This just strikes me as another food writer’s attempt to differentiate their dish, but what they obviously don’t get is that the beauty of the classic lobster roll is it’s simplicity.

I guess you have to give these poor misguided women a pass with them living in California and all with all those other fruitcakes. 

They  do some things right, like buttering the hot dog rolls and grilling them so they get a 2 on a scale from 1-10.

To do the right job refer to this original post from The Mrs’ recipe-

For the proper way to prepare a lobster roll see this post–

Has to be Cains mayo, and hot dog rolls so you can grill them to a golden brown with the salted butter.

Notice there is no lettuce, paprika, celery or any other filler. If anything else appears in your lobster roll, you have an inferior lobster roll.

steam the lobsters and shuck the meat

tear the meat into 1/2 inch chunks or so and mix with cains mayo

refrigerate

once lobster and mayo is chilled, butter each side of cheap hot dog rolls (the kind you tear apart)

you do not want to use any goddamn baguette or crusty overpowering roll

you want white bread tear apart soft hot dog rolls

once you butter the sides of the hot dog rolls with SALTED butter you pan brown the roll so its warm and golden brown

just barely browned but the roll should still be very soft

then load up your cool lobster/mayo filling into the warm soft buttery roll and you have yourself the perfect lobster roll

note- NO  LETTUCE- NO  CELERY-NO  PAPRIKA- NO FANCY CRUSTY FRENCH ROLL