Category: Eats

Would You Look At These Pretentious Bananaheads Crowing Around All Proud Of Themselves For Messing Up Perfection?

If you want to read the horror story that they pass off as a recipe (and claimed they conquered no less) Click Here-

Will They Ever Learn The Rules Of Lobster Roll Making Is To Not Get In The Way Of The Most Delectable Meat Known To Mankind- Lobster Meat?

Why I ask you do, they feel the need to mask the flavor of the most succulent meat on earth with not one, not two, not three, but no less than unlucky 13 lobster roll ingredient violations???

Why not squat down over the mixing bowl and lay down a nice fat shit in there to compliment the flavors while you’re at it?

Read the ingredient list these dopes from The Tasting Table put together (Violations Highlighted in Red)-

We Came, We Clawed, We Conquered Messed It Up

Building the perfect lobster roll (Or Not)

INGREDIENTS

• Salt
• 1 lemon
• 5 whole star anise pods
• 2 heads garlic, halved
• 4 dried árbol chiles
• 1 (6-inch) piece fresh ginger, peeled and cut into ¼-inch coins
• 3 stalks lemongrass, trimmed, tough outer layer removed and stalk bruised and tied into a knot
• 2 (1½ pound) live lobsters
• ¼ cup mayonnaise
• 1 tablespoon finely minced parsley
• 1 tablespoon finely chopped chives plus 1 tablespoon chives, cut into ½-inch pieces
• 2 teaspoons reserved lobster cooking liquid
• 1 teaspoon lemon juice
• ½ teaspoon lemon zest
• ¼ teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
• ¼ teaspoon celery salt
• 3 tablespoons butter
• 1 teaspoon Old Bay seasoning
• 4 split-top hot dog rolls

Anise?????  Like as in Licorice anise?  In a lobster roll?   I wish Patrick Ewing was still in his prime so we could set him up right in front of where ever these dopes tried to serve these lobster roll abominations and he could swat them into the stands like a basketball and then stand over the servers and flex and growl like he just made the most impressive shot block in the history of the NBA.  Just like “Get That Shit Outta Here!” 

Arbol Chile?   Really????  What are we at Taco Bell now?  Lemongrass?  Ginger?  Please.  This is absolutely criminal.  

I guess I should have stopped reading when I read these pretentious buffoons were writing in from New York where they root for the Yankees and all.  I mean WTF do they know about lobster rolls anyway, right? 

Maybe it’s a March thing where they want to get out in front of all the other pretentious food bloggers who will inevitably write their own versions of the Perfect Way to Fuck Up a  Good Lobster Roll.

When I saw the laundry list of lobster roll purist violations I just couldn’t leave this debacle go unchecked.   There are plenty of pretentious food bloggers who will throw in 2-5 violations but when you go over the top with 13 you have to know that someone with some common sense is gonna call you out on it.

Listen here anyone who would describe themselves as  a “Foodie”.  Do all us normal real folk a favor and spare us your stupid frickin lobster roll recipes that include anything other than a split top roll.  Spare us your French baguettes, spare us your frickin lemon zest bullshit, spare us your ginger and your anise and your arbol chlis.  

Hellooooo, we wanna taste the lobster.  How hard is that to comprehend?  If we wanted to eat Mexican we’d order a goddamned Burrito.    

This is a lobster roll.   The purist of the pure.  Time tested.  Tradition.  Like a Fenway Frank, only a bajillion times better.

It’s easy, there’s no need to go out of your way to try to fuck it up with your laundry list of  Lobster roll no-nos like anise and garlic and lemongrass.

Here’s the way to do it and not to do it-

Bad-

How to F^@K Up a Lobster Roll

Good-

Ingredients For The Worlds Greatest Lobster Roll

Read the ingredient list these dopes from The Tasting Table put together (Violations Highlighted in Red)-