I like to write. I find it therapeutic. I have no answers. I tell no-one how they should feel. This is just me…today…putting “pen to paper” about how I feel. Maybe I’ll feel differently tomorrow.
Today, this sucks.
Some days suck less.
Some days I’m terrified.
Some days I’m just inconvenienced…..and then I feel incredibly guilty.
Some days I’m positive.
Some days I’m devastated.
Some days we enjoy ourselves.
Some days are simply a mirror image of every.other.day.
Some days are incredibly busy….how is that even possible?
Some days are dreadful.
All days….. I KNOW I am lucky. We are all healthy. I am still working (albeit from home). I have a pay check.
How dare I complain? For sure….. no doubt….How.Dare.I.Complain?!
One billion percent this sucks so, no SOOO, much more…for so many more.
But, does that completely negate the fact that sometimes I feel like this still sucks in our little healthy and somewhat fortunate house. Probably. Definitely. So, why does it still suck?
Am I the only one who is struggling with feeling like this is horrible….even though I should feel blessed?
Sometimes they sound like just words…. I am thankful for those on the front lines. I am thankful for healthcare workers and first responders.I applaud our Mayors and Governor. I am thankful for grocery and convenience store clerks, and gas station attendants, and delivery drivers, and utility workers, and take-out restaurant employees….and ALL those working so hard, many in unbelievably scary and horrific circumstances for the betterment of us all.
I promise, though, they are not just words. I am so deeply grateful for them. My heart breaks for them….and for their families. I lay awake at night and think about what it would be like to be them. I simply can’t imagine.
I hear stories about good deeds and heroic efforts and sometimes I smile….and often I cry.
There are the seemingly small….Nice notes and random acts to spread joy.
The wonderfully kind….Police officers purchasing groceries for a woman whose EBT card didn’t work in the grocery store.
And then, the absolutely unthinkable……A sick doctor giving up his ventilator for another patient….and then losing his own life
When I think of the loss sometimes I can’t breath. Then sometimes my anxiety gets so high….that my heart hurts…and then I misinterpret that discomfort for being in my lungs….and then I worry I might be sick. Am I the only one?
I stop and think about healthcare workers and their fear…..if they even have a second to grapple with emotions like fear. They are heroes. Is there a word bigger than hero? I think of their families. And my heart breaks.
And then I hear myself complain about laundry, and dishes, and cleaning…and how no-one can find the trashcan. And pee on the toilet seat. What?! Did I really just have the nerve to complain about laundry. What the hell is wrong with me?
I hear stories about people who have lost loved ones and and couldn’t even say Good-bye. And my heart breaks.
And then I complain about the Zoom schedule that I am trying to manage for myself and my two learning-at-home children.
I get frustrated that I can never find a clean corner of the house to log-in to my own meetings. What?! Did I really just have the nerve to complain about zoom meetings. In the warm house that I have. For a job that I still have. And for my healthy children. What the hell is wrong with me?
I imagine the sick and the lonely and the scared. Family can’t visit. Some are confused. Some are terrified. Many are dying. And my heart breaks again. Shatters really.
And then I think ahead and wonder what summer in our beach town will look like. Quarantine in 45 degree weather might be bad…..but, quarantine in 80 degree weather when our beaches are closed, will be worse. Wait. What?! Did I really just have the nerve to complain about whether or not we can spend days at the beach? What the hell is wrong with me?
Literally, that is the dialogue that goes through my head on a daily basis. And I’m ashamed. And I’m sad. Am I the only one?
Reminders pop up on my phone….telling me where we should be…. Only, we’re not. We can’t be. And, I get sad. And then I feel bad.
So, instead, I stop and think about the businesses who are being hit so incredibly hard. So.incredibly.hard.
The restaurant owners and employees…many of whom I know and love.
The store owners.
The hotel and travel industry.
College students…and spring athletes.
High school seniors.
Professional sports.
Olympians.
The list goes on…and on…and on.
Then I stop and think about how sad I am that my boys’ hockey seasons came to an abrupt end.
And that there will be no spring lacrosse
And that there will be no spring baseball.
And that we canceled our April Vacation
And that I canceled a trip in May.
And that I’ll most likely cancel a trip in June.
And then I think….what the hell is wrong with me?! There are people waiting in line for hours….overnight even…at food banks for the bare minimum of groceries…or diapers for their kids. Did I really complain about vacations that I was fortunate enough to be able to book in the first place?
What.the.hell.is.wrong.with.me?!
Sometimes I laugh at memes or gifs…..two words I still don’t say correctly. And then I feel guilty.
Sometimes, I even send them. And then I feel even worse.
This isn’t a time for laughing. So many others don’t have time for laughing…or cause for laughing. They are too busy hurting or suffering.
I get sad for my mom. She’s almost 75 and lives alone. She hasn’t left her house in 4 weeks and, while we drop things off, we don’t go in and we don’t stay. We bought her two pet birds for company instead. That doesn’t feel like enough. And we miss her.
We miss my dad. We think he’s not being careful enough. We want to spend time with them both. And to know they’re going to be ok.
I miss my friends. I’m an extrovert….and I love my peeps. I love spontaneous drinks on Friday afternoons, or Saturday nights….. or Tuesdays at 4:00… I’m not picky. They mean the world to me…and sometimes I don’t feel like me without them.
I get sad for my boys. They miss our extended family, they miss their friends, they miss their sports, they miss their freedom, they miss their life outside of these four walls. And, they are sad for what they have given up. They are feeling a sense of loss and they are worried about what else will happen before this is over. Will this be over?
This is all unimaginable. Two weeks ago I went to the post office. I wasn’t wearing a mask. We weren’t quite there yet. It was a small post office. Only one person allowed in at a time. Stand behind the taped line. Credit card only. Don’t get too close. Don’t reach past the glass. Please follow the rules. When I left, I cried. It was like a scene you’d see in a newscast in other parts of the world, not here…. But, it is here. It is us. It is now.
Two weeks later I stopped at a farmstand. I wore a mask. It was my first time. Only a few in at a time. Please wait outside. Please only take two dozen eggs. Stand behind the line. Please don’t touch anything you aren’t going to buy. I got in my car…and I cried. Somehow people’s eyes seem more telling with a mask resting right below them. You can see the fear….and the sadness….and the solemnity much more clearly when people are wearing masks. Eye contact with strangers lasts just a second longer. Is it just me?
This is how it is. This is how it will be. This can’t be us, or here…but, it is. And, what’s more, it’s hard to see a time when it won’t be again.
Our new normal is not one that I would choose.
Overwhelmed by working from home….. blessed to still have a job.
Irked by being together….. blessed to have each other.
Exacerbated by the monotony….blessed,I suppose, to be able to slow down and live in the moment.
Blessed….also, as the death toll rises….to simply live in any moment.
Our new normal is Ground Hogs Day with nightmares each night.
Vanilla ice cream with sprinkles of anxiety on top.
Meaning…. Monotony and boredom upfront with fear and despair on the side.
In the beginning I thought I would read some books. I’ve yet to open one.
In the beginning I thought I’d tackle some home improvement projects. We’ve collectively ransacked the house instead.
In the beginning I thought I’d fit in daily exercise. While we’ve walked or ridden bikes. My days are void of the videos I want to watch and daily routine I want to make….only to break.
I’ve discovered that with the nature of my job, I’m working more, not less. And, it’s hard. I said it, it’s really hard. I long for the solitude of my quiet office….and co-workers who don’t scream at Fortnite opponents and Tik-tok dance their way past my desk…only to complain about what snacks we’re out of….again.
I love my kids…. Or I at least like them right now (I’m kidding….kind of)…. But, I miss adult interaction from someone other than my husband whose annoying personal habits are only magnified during these days…..as are, absolutely, mine to him!
The balance between trying to work, trying to clean, trying to oversee the boys’ schoolwork, trying to stay up-to-date, trying not to panic, trying to socially distance, trying to get outside, and trying not to count the hours on video games……is all too much. Yet, I know we’re still the lucky ones. We are lucky.
We have enjoyed family game nights, and movies, long walks, scenic drives, and sleeping late. We have had moments of being present and reconnecting….but, on the fringe, for me anyway, is a constant reminder of why we’re living as such…..and, if I’m being honest, what work emails I’m not answering.
Even as one of the lucky ones, I have trouble accepting any level of comfort or pleasure in our supposedly relaxed and slower life. While I like to think I enjoy living in the moment, truth be told, I am always two steps ahead. I am always thinking about tomorrow’s schedule, the boys’ next games, the next girls’ night out dinner reservation, and our next vacation. I like it that way. I like looking forward to things. I like planning. I like organizing. Not having anything to “look forward to” is, however, insignificant when others literally don’t…or won’t….have a tomorrow to look forward to.
So, for today, I will focus on my family, and my work, and doing my part to end this as quickly as possible. I will look forward to things that are uncertain for now, but make me smile anyway. I will thank and applaud all who are doing so much more. And I will continue to send love to those who have lost and are losing in this battle.
Be well, everyone.
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